.............For generations our family has always espoused a deep, rich tradition of traveling "100 Miles Before Breakfast" on all major road trips. This magnificent ploy obviously relieves the Driver of having to produce a torrent of excuses as to why each sleazy diner on the way is unsuitable. The kids are all unwitting participants in the noble pursuit of "putting some miles under our belts" before "putting some food under our belts."
Virginia Shaw Morbeck tells us about the early days of this great family
predilection:
............."When we were children growing up in Verona, New Jersey our parents
would take us occasionly to visit our grandparents in Frederick, Maryland. We'd
leave very early in the morning, drive west past Budd Lake, and eventually stop
for Breakfast at the Abraham Lincoln Hotel in Reading, Pennsylvania. Each of the
individual pats of butter served to us with our toast came in its own tiny
little dish which reminded me of dollhouse dishes. Ruthie couldn't pronounce
'Abraham' so she called it the "Hambaham" (Lincoln) Hotel. We would have
breakfast and then drive south to Maryland, often timing it to have lunch at
Caddie's and Daydee's."
...........Seldom in the course of human history has any towering landmark
had such a magnetic hold on its various supplicants. Traveling to Points West (
a common destination for those of us of Cheesehead Extraction) could only mean
one thing: ZINN'S DINER! Located along
the Pennsyltoonya Turnpike in the heart of " Pennsylvania Dutch Country", Zinn's
boasted three powerful enticements:
..................1) A large statue of an Amish man affectionately known as "Amos"
who croaked peasant witticisms to a mesmerized throng of onlookers through a
tiny 4" speaker in his foot
.................2) An unbelievably fabulous Ye Olde
Gift Shoppe located down
in the basement designed to snare both young and old with all sorts of hex
symbols, gigantic cigars, fish bookmarks, small iron figures, etc.
................3) And last, but not least...............SCRAPPLE!
Call it Scrapple, Call it pawn-haus (As GRS did), it's a Pennsyltoonya delicacy
deliciously sizzled on a hot grill and then smothered with maple syrup or apple
butter. The old adage that pork processors utilize every part of the pig "except
the squeal" is especially true in this case. If you were playing "The Daddy
Quiz" (see the BearSpeak
Dictionary), shouting "Pork Snouts!" would put you at the top of the list,
ingredient-wise.
...........Occasionally, even my father couldn't manage to manipulate our
itinerary in such a way as to take us past Zinn's. Whenever we were heading
towards Points South we would buzz down the old New Jersey Turnpike to its
southern terminus, crossing the mighty Delaware River on the twin bridges just
south of Wilmington, DE. Immediately past the airport on US Rt 13 stood the
"Dutch Pantry", a moderately-priced family restaurant which fit our two
important criteria:
............a) It was over 100 miles away , and
............b) It had
SCRAPPLE!
............No doubt our most exciting trip to this greasy spoon occurred on one
fine summer morning, sometime in the 1960s. I don't remember the exact
circumstances, but for some reason the crucial task of manufacturing buttered
toast had been removed from the hands of trained kitchen professionals and
transferred out to the dining room (a bad idea). I'm not sure if there was a
toaster on every table (a really bad idea), or one or two satellite toasting
locations. Regardless, the important task of supplying toast to hungry
breakfasters was being conducted in a dangerous and slipshod fashion.
............And sure enough, as we were calmly sitting there, drinking our tiny
glasses of Orange Juice, disaster struck. Whooooshh! The checkered curtains near
one of the unattended toasters burst into flames (or at least smoldering smoke).
My mother (the heroine of this story) quickly alerted the waitress, who threw
water on the potential inferno.
............And what thanks did she get for saving their restaurant from being a
pile of twisted wreckage? Practically none. No free sides of scrapple, no free
fried eggs over easy, no free buttered toast. We're all still very bitter, many
years later.
...........Jack Shaw, a direct male heir to the "100 Miles Before Breakfast"
Throne. sent us this update as to what the future holds for our family's
glorious obsession:
A revision to a family tradition:
............."Two years ago we drove to Kath’s home town in Upper Michigan.
We started out the first day at 6a.m. and went the required '100 Miles Before
Breakfast'. Somehow it seemed sort of early and soon for breakfast. As we drove
on after breakfast we got to thinking that the tradition was established on two
lane highways that went through every town while traveling in the cars of our
childhood. Nowadays, especially out west, we travel in a car that is air
conditioned, has a favorite tape playing on the stereo and the cruise control
set to something in excess of 70 mph. Frankly, by the old standards, we just
gobble up the miles in luxurious comfort.
.............. So we updated our version of the tradition and now do '200 Miles
Before Breakfast' - it worked out well for us and gets about one-third of the
day’s miles done before the first stop, which is very satisfying. One morning,
after leaving Fargo, ND heading west on 1-94 with almost no traffic (it was 55
minutes before we passed the first vehicle in our lanes) and with very few
restaurants to choose from, we ended up doing '300 Miles Before Breakfast' - not
something we would normally do but it was fairly painless."
(Editor's note: I GET HUNGRY JUST READING THIS. That's Crazy Talk.)
.
A Nationwide Forum for "100 Miles B4 Breakfast" Issues in the Next Millenium.
Dear Amos:
............I am a father of three small children who lives in Eastern
Pennsyltoonya Because we have a plethora of relatives out in the Greater
Pittsburgh area, it often behooves us to follow the signs for "Turnpike West".
Here's my problem: Zinn's Diner is located only about 60 miles away. Which
important family tradition do I follow, stopping at Zinn's or going 100 miles
before breakfast? If we go the 100 miles we end up beyond the SDL (Scrapple
Demarcation Line) at the All-American Truck Stop in Carlisle, PA ( a poor second
choice). Amos, what should I do?
...........................................................................-Anonymous
Amos replies.........
(With profound apologies to all peoples everywhere of Teutonic
extraction)
.........."Hello Dere! (He always says, "Hello Dere") Ach, you are faced mit
a problem. Why don't you "taken de scenic route" and drive up and down de
turnpikes's Northeast Extension a few exits. This way you can go 100 miles and
still stop at Zinn's. If you stoppen ze back on de return trip don't forget to
have sum "Shoo-fly Pie" (The House Specialty).