Brad Morbeck's Concise Guide to Frequently Occurring Amimal (Animal) Sounds

LET'S START OFF WITH A LITTLE AUDIO FILE LEFTOVER FROM LAST YEAR - BRADFORD HAMPSEY MORBECK'S ULTIMATE VIEW OF THE UNIVERSE AND ITS' ENVIRONS
EIEIO

AND OFF WE GO!

(BY THE WAY, FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVE EITHER BEEN IN PRISON (AND NEVER STOPPED BY THE PRISON LIBRARY) OR HAVE SPENT THE LAST 5 YEARS OR SO IN AN INSANE ASYLUM, YOU CLICK ON THE BLUE TEXTTO HEAR THE NOISES.

(BRAD AND STUFFED DOGGIE 2/98)

ONE OF THE HIGHLIGHTS OF CHRISTMAS 1997 (OTHER THAN THE REINDEER BREAKING IN AND EATING ALL OF OUR CARROTS) WAS THIS DELIGHTFUL STUFFED DOG RECEIVED FROM BRAD'S FAVORITE FEMALE COUSIN (MORBECK DIVISION). COINCIDENTALLY, SHE'S ALSO HIS MOST HATED FEMALE COUSIN (MORBECK DIVISION)

What the Doggie Says:

(STILL LIFE WITH MRS. KITTY)
MY MOTHER TOOK THIS BE-A-UTIFUL PICTURE OF OUR FAVORITE GIRL. "SHE HAS THE MOST BE-A-U-TIFUL FUR!!!"

What the Kitty Says:

(LITTLE DUCKS, DEVON HORSE SHOW 5/97)

"SIX LITTLE DUCKS THAT I ONCE KNEW,
FAT ONES, SKINNY ONES, FAIR ONES TOO
BUT THE ONE LITTLE DUCK
WITH THE FEATHER ON HIS BACK
HE LED THE OTHERS WITH HIS
QUACK, QUACK, QUACK!"

What the Duck Says:

EVERY YEAR WE ALWAYS TRY TO GO TO THE DEVON HORSE SHOW, A TONY AFFAIR FOR THE RIDING SET OUT ON PHILADELPHIA'S "MAIN LINE." 2 YEARS RUNNING NOW WE COULD HAVE WON THE PRIZE FOR "LEAST EXPENSIVE STROLLER AT DEVON." YOU SHOULD SEE SOME OF THE LAND BARGES THESE KIDS GET PUSHED AROUND IN: AUTOMATIC TRANSMISSIONS, POWER BRAKES, AM/FM/CD AND EVEN TINY LITTLE BABY-SIZED CIGARETTE LIGHTERS.BUT WAIT A MINUTE, I'M SUPPOSED TO BE TALKING ABOUT DUCKS, NOT ..............

(COROLLA WILD HORSE, OUTER BANKS, N.C. )

WOLTZ:"Hey, come on over here with me; I wanna show you something really beautiful. You do appreciate beauty, don't you? There you are, $600,000 on four hooves. I bet a Russian Czar never paid that kind of dough for a single horse."
(then, toward the horse)" Khartoum. Khartoum."
(then, to Tom) "I'm not gonna race him, though. I'm gonna put him out to stud."
TOM: "He's beautiful."
WOLTZ:(to stablehand) "Thanks, Tony."
(Jack Woltz, President of Woltz International Pictures, speaking to Tom Hagen, consigliari of the Corleone Organized Crime Family.

What the Horse(y) Says:

(ARNOLD ZIFFEL)

WHO'S SAYS THE INTERNET ISN'T A GREAT PLACE? IMAGINE SITTING IN THE COMFORT OF YOUR OWN HOME AND HAVING ACCESS TO DANDY PICTURES OF HOOTERVILLIANS JUST A CLICK AWAY AT YOUR FINGERTIPS! WOW. THE WEB SITE I FOUND THIS ON URGED ME "TO COME CELEBRATE THE GREATEST SHOW EVER!!". AND THEY SAY I'MA BIT NUTS...

What the Pig Says:

(JOHN WAYNE AS RUBEN J. "ROOSTER" COGBURN, 1975)

NOWHERE IN MY EXTENSIVE PHOTO MORGUE COULD I FIND EVEN A SINGLE PICTURE OF A ROOSTER. OH WELL, WHO NEEDS ONE? ONE OF THE BIGGEST INFLUENCES ON BOTH SALLY AND HER SISTER NORA'S LIVES WAS THEIR HIGH SCHOOL VOLLEYBALL COACH, MISS WATSON. SHE, AS THE CHEF ON "SOUTH PARK" MIGHT SAY, "DOESN'T PLAY FOR OUR TEAM, BOYS." THE INTERESTING INCONGRUENCE WAS THAT THIS WOMAN ABSOLUTELY WORSHIPPED "THE DUKE."

What the Rooster Says:

(STONE LION ON WALL, CHARLESTON, S.C.)

AS A FAMILY, WE'VE NEVER HAD A LOT TO DO WITH LIONS. MY GREATEST REAL BRUSH WITH LIONS WAS KNOWING JACK AMBOS, WHO WAS THE PRESIDENT OF THE LIONS' CLUB IN WESTFIELD FOR A TIME. HE AND HIS FELLOW FELINES WOULD GATHER FORTNIGHTLY FOR GATHERINGS WHICH WERE EUPHEMISTICALLY REFERRED TO AS "PRAYER MEETINGS." THESE WING-DINGS INVOLVED A DEADLY COMBINATION OF MALTED BEVERAGES, POKER CHIPS, AND PLAYING CARDS. IT'S LIKELY THAT MOST OF THE PRAYERS UTTERED WERE OF THE "LORD, I COULD REALLY USE A PAIR OF ACES RIGHT NOW" VARIETY.

What the Lion Says:

(CORPORATE LOGO, PURPLE COW FUDGE & CANDY CO.)

"I'VE NEVER SEEN A PURPLE COW;
I HOPE TO NEVER SEE ONE.
I'LL TELL YOU THIS, HERE AND NOW;
I'D RATHER SEETHAN BEONE."
Thornton Burgess (19th Century Childrens' author and naturalist)

What the Cow Says:

(CANADIAN GEESE ON SCHUYKILL RIVER, PHILA, PA.)

OCTOBER 6,1978- I WAS IN THE BOSTON AREA, VISITING MY FRIEND DONNY. THE YANKESS WERE IN THE A.L. PLAYOFFS VS. THE K.C. ROYALS. WE HAD TICKETS TO SEE THE BOSTON BRUINS AT THE BOSTON GARDEN INSTEAD. WE DUTIFULLY SET UP THE VCR TO TAPE BASEBALL, AND WERE ON OUR WAY. WE HAD TO MAKE "TUNNEL NOISES" AND HOLD OUR HANDS OVER OUR EARS WHENEVER THE PUBLIC ADDRESS ANNOUNCER WOULD UPDATE THE PROGRESS OF THE YANKEE GAME. ALL WAS FOR NAUGHT, HOWEVER, WHEN WE RETURNED HOME AND WE COULD HEAR FROM OUTSIDE THE HOUSE SOMEBODY SHOUTING , "GOO-OOOSE! GOO-OOOSE! GOO-OOOSE!" GOSSAGE AND HIS 95 M.P.H. FASTBALL HAD DONE IT AGAIN. YANKEES 6, ROYALS 5. MR. OCTOBER HIT ONE OUT IN THE FOURTH WITH ONE ABOARD.

What the Goose Says:

(FROG STATUE, MORRIS ARBORETUM, PHILA, PA.)

AS A CHILD I ONCE RAISED A TADPOLE TO A POLLIWOG AND FINALLY ON TO ADULT FROGHOOD. WHEN I LIBERATED HIM INTO THE EMANCIPATING WATERS OF TAMAQUAS POND YOU COULD ALMOST HEAR THE OPENING CHORDS OF "BORN FREE" PERMEATING THE AIR.

What the Frog Says:

AND FINALLY, WELEAVE YOU WITH ONE FINAL SOUND FROM THE AMIMAL KINGDOM, (ORDERUS LITTLE BROTHERUS)

(GABRIEL S. MORBECK SIGNALING A FOUL BALL, 1998)

WE'VE HEARD A LOT OF TALK LATELY OF BEARDED YUPPIES TORMENTING THEIR INFANTS WITH FLASH CARDS REPLETE WITH DIFFERENTIAL EQUATIONS AND THE LIKE. WHERE THE HECK IS THAT GOING TO GET THEM? ENGINEERING SCHOOL, LAWYERING SCHOOL, DOCTORING SCHOOL? NO SIREE, OUR BOYS WON'T BE NEEDIN' ANY OF THAT FANCY BOOK LARNIN'. WE MORBECKS HAVE OUR PRIORITIES STRAIGHT: EACH CHILD IS REQUIRED TO LEARN THE SIGNALS FOR "BALL", "STRIKE", AND "FOUL BALL" BEFORE ANY INOCULATIONS ARE ADMINISTERED.

What the Babies Say: